Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I have been MIA!

So I have been MIA, but for a good reason!

I knew taking care of a newborn would be time consuming, but wow! It's amazing how four little pounds (now 5+ :) ) can change your life so drastically. I am constantly catering to her every need, and when I am not, I just stare at her. I can't believe that after months of constant worry she is finally here and completely healthy. She is nothing short of a miracle.

I am so utterly happy and  incredibly heartbroken at the same time. It is impossible to accurately describe the feeling. I can't help but imagine what Lilah would have looked like. I can't help but imagine what it would have been like taking care of the both of them. I was talking to a La Leche consultant the other day ( I had been having some problems) she tried to make me feel better by saying at least it's not twins!....I wish...

The pain hits me at the most awkward times. I guess for me, putting on mascara evokes deep thoughts...I find I am having a much more difficult time now than when I was still pregnant. I find myself crying everyday and out of nowhere.  She is no longer right below my ribs, therefore, it almost feels like she was never "real". I hate it. The hospital mentioned that I should go to their group meeting for parents of still-borns.  I refuse to go. I think it would set me back. Not to mention- I think it would hurt the other members to know I have a healthy baby at home. My plan is to enjoy my baby, she is the only "medicine" I need and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
This face just makes me smile. My mom made the hat and added the cat pin. I'm not sure what she was random..haha

Eyes Of The Beholder: Stand Tall

My best friend takes gorgeous pictures!!

Eyes Of The Beholder: Stand Tall: "Hooray for Friday's! On my drive from St Mary's, PA to Olean, NY this morning, the sun was shining, the sky was blue, the smell of spring in..."

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Baby A is here!!

My pregnancy woes are over! After months of worry baby A is here!!!  She was born Wednesday night at 9:58 PM She weighed in at 4lbs 14 oz! Such a surprise!

I am relieved I get to move on to a new chapter. Yet, I am saddened by the thought that Audra, Lilah and myself will never be "together" again. I feel like I have started an entirely new grieving process. Thank God I have a beautiful little baby to take the edge off. I am not looking forward to the end of the week when we will receive Lilah's ashes. That day will feel all too real.

Lilah's footprints are on the right.

Baby A's Birth story! ( I reveal her name in the post :) )

Wednesday was a very lazy day. I went grocery shopping and did a little bumping, nothing too exciting. Around 4:00 I decided I really needed to take a shower... When I got upstairs and took my clothes off I noticed my underwear was a bit wet. I got in the shower, looked down and saw more fluid was leaking. I only noticed because it had a very light-brown pinkish tinge- no mucus, blood, etc. I decided maybe I should try to squat and a little more came out. I called my sister who told me it was definitely my water. I wasn't convinced. I hadn't yet lost my mucus plug, had my bloody show, etc. I also really thought it would be a whoosh of fluid when it happened.  I got out, sat on the toilet, rocked back and forth- nothing more. She said the baby was probably just blocking the rest and that I should call Dustin and go to l&d just to make sure. I honestly thought they were going to tell me it was just a lot of watery discharge.

  After checking in they brought me to an examining room to do a quick check to rule out amniotic fluid. The midwife on call placed a plastic gun looking thing inside and at that moment a huge gush of water came spilling out onto the floor(sorry, tmi). She laughed and said we could definitely rule out anything else.... I was in shock. I had been praying for this day to come fast,  but thought there was no way she would come before the 19th. They then checked me into a room and the midwife spoke to me about trying to have a vaginal birth...the last thing I wanted to talk about in my nervous state was changing the plan. She had read I had a csection planned for the 19th.. I had to tell her over and over that baby A was breech and my doctor and I had already discussed a csection due to her position and the situation with Lilah. I had a mini breakdown ( did a lot of crying) it suddenly felt REALLY Real when I was forced to explain why I wanted a csection so that she would be kept intact.  She finally brought in the portable ultrasound to confirm she was breech ...I  told you that lady!  They finally scheduled my csection for 9 pm that night. Luckily I hadn't eaten anything big since 11,  just watermelon so I only had to wait a couple of hours. 
 I was so tired from the crying  that I swear I almost fell asleep as they gave me my spinal. Which did not hurt at all! Surprisingly, I was not scared. Something came over me and I just knew everything would go well. Baby B, Lilah, was delivered first. It pains me to say we were advised not to see or hold her. She only weighed 14 oz. However, they were able to get footprints. I am so thankful for these.  It helps to have a little piece of her even if it is just footprints. They asked us if we wanted an autopsy. We declined...our thinking was, what good would it do now?.  Baby A was delivered next ( I believe. I really have no idea what was going on. There were 5 doctors and 5 nurses in the room) they held her up for me to see, dh looked at me, I knew what he was thinking, and I said Audra. He smiled. He wanted to name her Audra so badly. It feels great that she finally has a name! Audra Jane! It feels so weird to call her this instead of "she" all the time! I am so grateful to say she is incredibly healthy. The nurses and doctors are very surprised. They keep telling us how strong she is. She got a 9 for her apgar  score!!! She will most likely be able to go home with me tomorrow :) ( she did get to go home!!!
Without further adieu... Audra Jane

An excited new dad!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Birth Announcements...Which one?

I am honestly going insane. These days are getting longer and longer..Thank God I only have 15 days left. I am trying to stay positive and have been looking at "fun" stuff. This includes birth announcements! Which would you choose?

One a random note: I can't believe how popular my name is getting. I grew up being the only Jocelyn I personally knew of up until college. Now it is popping up everywhere. Even on these birth announcements by!
 You can vote at the very bottom of the blog! Thanks, it helps a lot as I am so indecisive!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Right on Schedule

Great news! My return appointment (Friday) went surprisingly well! I do not have preeclampsia!  My Blood pressure has gone down significantly. Everything seems to be perfect all of a sudden. As weird as it sounds, I admit I am a bit disappointed. I was hoping I would get to meet the girls sooner than the 19th...oh well! I will just keep myself busy with crafts! I made this headband yesterday afternoon. I plan for her to wear it in her newborn photos.

My mom finished the owl hat ( for the newborn photos) as well! I had her use angora yarn to give it the fuzzy feathery effect :)

I think it's funny and super cute :)