Thursday, June 9, 2011

I've been dreading this post...

I have been putting off this post for awhile. I just haven't felt up to it, but here goes.

First let me say that Austin Funeral home located in Brentwood, Tn as been absolutely amazing.  They not only took care of all the hospital paperwork, but also provided their services free of charge. Their service included a simple urn at no cost to us, however I wanted to pick-out something special. What a horrible "shopping" experience. Thankfully, the perfect urn, a bronze little box with a cherub on top,  jumped out at me on the first page. The fact that the urn was the exact same price as her crib we returned really got to me.

The day we picked her up was ten times worse than the day we lost her. The woman presented her to us in the sweet little box and I about lost it. The first time I held my baby was through an urn. It just sickens me. Audra had a fit on the way home so we had to stop in a parking lot so that I could feed her. The whole time I fed Audra I just stared back and forth from Audra to Lilah's urn. How incredibly grounding. It is often said, but until you experience something like this, you do not realize how fragile life truly is. Don't ask me why I did it, but when I got home and was alone I gave her urn a little shake. My intention? Who knows.. In retrospect I guess I needed to solidify reality. Up until this point everything about her had been a thought, now she has a physical presence in my life and I need to let her go.

Now for something to lighten the mood...

Look at those cheeks!