Thursday, April 28, 2011

I officially have a C-section date!

The hospital called today. They have me scheduled for May 19th! If I make it that long that is! Tomorrow morning I will turn in my jug o' gross and have my BP checked again. If things have not changed I may be meeting our girls soon! Yay!

On a random note- my mom is busy knitting this hat ( in light pink) for baby A's newborn photos. I hope it turns out!  I think it is too cute.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Going Toxic? Just take her already please!

Apparently, I may be "going toxic." Whatever that means....I always forget to ask important questions. I swear my head always goes blank in the office.

Since Lilah passed, March 1st, I began visiting my doctor's office every Wednesday for an ultrasound, fibrinogen check ( to make sure her tissue has not come into contact with my blood stream) as well as a general check. Last appointment, April 13th, I graduated and no longer needed to come every week, but every two weeks. Well that was short lived!

Upon taking my blood pressure the nurse exclaimed "OH NO! That is not good! I will be right back"....She came back with a manual pump and got a reading of 120...Still not good, but I assume A LOT better than the previous reading...She then had me pee in the cup to check for protein. It came back negative....That was that.

My OB came in soon afterwards, he did not seem to be concerned. He went right ahead and did a quick ultrasound to make sure baby A  was still breech; of course she was. After I took a peek, I asked him what he thought about my BP reading. He said he wasn't too worried due to the lack of protein. I then made sure he took a look at my legs and feet. Legs and feet I no longer recognize as my own, but those of an extremely obese person... (see the previous post). He felt my legs, pondered a bit, and said he would be right back. He wanted to talk to my MFM doctor down the hall.  I hate to admit it, but at this, I was secretly hoping I would "unfortunately" :p have to deliver today. I know every mother should want their baby to bake as long as possible, but if you were in my situation I assure you, you would feel the same. After conversing with the MFM doctor, my OB came back to tell me that based on their collective medical opinion, he feels there is a chance that if I am not already, I will eventually become toxic and deliver before the planned 37 weeks. I guess extreme water retention coupled with high BP and a lack of protein is a sign of toxicity in my particular case.....GREAT!  To this I replied "I was ready to deliver last month!"  He laughed and handed me this lovely lab sheet...
Not just a fibrinogen check this time! I feel like a science experiment.

  Hopefully the extra tests will determine if I am already toxic. I also got a parting gift!
I need to collect my urine for 24 hours as well. I have to store it in the refrigerator. Dustin will love that!

I will go back Friday to see if there is any change in my BP and learn the results of my toxicity tests. Basically, the moral of the story is that if there is no change, this baby will be coming very soon! If it means I need to be toxic in order to bypass a couple weeks then so be it! I have zero patience left! IMO..they should just take her now so they don't have to waste their time with all these extra tests :p

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Goodbye Ankles!

Said goodbye to my ankles this week...wholly cow!
I took a break while the rest of my family explored The Hermitage
My entire immediate family came to visit us in TN for Easter! We wanted to show them a good time, so we took them to the Carnton Plantation, The Hermitage Plantation ( we are all history geeks), The Confederate Cemetery,  a walk around Downtown Nashville as well as zip lining...(.I was so sad I couldn't do this one!)
My niece Noelle being silly in front of the Carnton Plantation

My feet after the fun-filled gross

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

And now for some fun!

We have no idea what we will be naming her yet. If you want to help us, 
vote for your favorite name!

New picture of our baby A !


I took a very big step forward yesterday and washed all of our baby A's clothes! This child will honestly have to go through 6 outfit changes a day in order to wear all these clothes! Dustin's grandma was so incredibly generous. She sent all of this in February!  Then at my shower she gave us even more if you can believe it! 
This was sent before we lost Lilah. I'm not sure if I am going to keep the duplicate outfits or give them to someone who needs them. So far I have only washed one of each identical outfit. I have to admit my heart sinks when I look at them.

My sister sent a HUGE Tupperware as well. I think she is more excited to dress this kid than I am!

At first I had a bit of a panic attack. I have to admit I am now suddenly superstitious and have developed some OCD habits... I have to put my jewelry in the jewelry box a certain way, etc. or I feel something bad will happen to her. I only put her new pictures on the left side of the refrigerator, because I had been putting them on the right until Lilah passed .  As I type this I feel so ridiculous.

I would honestly be a bit worried, but I swear often times I tell myself that it is silly and I don't give into my urges. It just makes me feel better. Therefore, I entertain my habits most of the time. So odd, I know.  Anyways, because I am now "superstitious" , I felt that I was possibly jinxing myself by taking off the tags and washing the clothes.

To my surprise I felt great afterwords. Now I truly feel that we WILL be taking her home. We even put together the crib and put on the crib that my mom made. We will not be decorating the nursery. We are in the process of building a new home that should be finished this July! Then I will decorate to my heart's content. I am going to keep the paint neutral or Versailles blue. I'm going for a 18th century French look.
A close up of the crib skirt fabric

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Got a letter in the mail yesterday evening...

 I got a little bit of a surprise last night...

Dustin sat me down, pulled out a letter,  and said that we both needed to sign....I was a bit confused. He then explained that after we found out Lilah passed my sister was kind enough  to call a local funeral home for us. To tell you the truth, I would have never even thought about it. The last thing I wanted to think about was what we wanted to do with her when the time came.

I guess you have the option to make arrangements for your baby or leave them with the hospital. Every person needs to do what is right for them. I personally could never leave my baby with the hospital after we left. Luckily, my sister knew this. She  informed Dustin and planned ahead.

My sister thought it would be best to have her cremated. This way she will always be with us. Get this, apparently the owner of the funeral home wants to provide their service free of charge. How incredibly kind, but I was looking forward to signing her Birth Certificate, not a paper that allowed the funeral home to take her from the hospital. The moment I signed, the situation suddenly seemed more real. Because she is still with me and her sister, I feel like we still have a connection. I can't lie, I am so incredibly scared for "Birth Day." I don't want to let her go. I need to remember I will always have her in my heart.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Baby A!

I graduated from weekly appointments to every two weeks! My Fibrinogen has been consistently high ( In the 500's, which is very good. If it drops into the 200's then we will have a problem- I will start to hemorrhage... Thankfully hemorrhaging due to fibrinogen levels is rare... However, this experience makes it hard to take any comfort in statistics. Someone, a real person, had/has to account for those statistics). Today I was told that based on her growth ultrasound two weeks ago, as well as my fibrinogen levels, they no longer need to give her the steroids at 34 weeks. She is doing incredibly well!
I will still deliver at  37 weeks and most likely have a c-section. The reasons: She is breech, my doctor believes it would be a difficult induction since my body will not  physically be ready, having a c-section leaves little room for any type of error, plus, we want to hold and see Lilah. The truth is that a vaginal birth may cause damage to her body ( I hate thinking about that, but it is the reality).  
My doctor made a point to tell me that he is really proud of me and that I am doing very well based on the circumstances. I thought it was incredibly nice of him to say that. He didn't have to. My doctors have been so personable and I really appreciate that.  But honestly, what else can I do other than to move forward and be strong for the baby we do have?
I firmly believe that a mother's 1 job is to be strong for their child. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have my days where I just cry out of nowhere. Or go into her room and look at the two bear jackets I bought when I was just 9 weeks (an excited impulse buy),

but what good would it do to sit on the couch and cry all day long? I have a choice. Everything in life is a choice and I chose/ choose not to dwell on what I can not change.   
So far I couldn't ask for more and hope these last 4 1/2 weeks go by smoothly!

Bump pictures

My " bump" pictures thus far. There is a bit of a gap right around Lilah's passing. I just didn't feel up to it as I am sure you can understand.
I actually began to notice a difference at this point...I'd kill to look like this again, 10 weeks

12 weeks
15 weeks

18 weeks
23 weeks

25 weeks, a week before Lilah passed
31 weeks
33 weeks

A little bit about us

Dustin and I crossed paths for the first time my Freshman year in college. My roommate  and I had made the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity our second home...

At the time he happened to be dating an older sorority sister of mine..I passed him in the hallway and remember thinking "wow, that ridiculous drunk guy is hot!" hate to say that now, but it was true!
Can you believe this guy is going to be a father?!? Haha Just Kidding :)
Our paths did not cross again until my junior year. Over the years I made friends with his best friends. He had just come back from a semester in Australia and happened to be rooming with one of my very good friends ( the guy in the Pike shirt in the picture above). The three of us had a great conversation. That weekend they had a large house party. He asked me up for a drink and had the guts to go for a kiss. We have been together ever since.

One day he asked me to marry him. I thought we were too young, he proceeded to ask me every day for a week! I finally said yes. He picked the setting, I picked the stone :)                              
One year after that we were married :)
The day after graduation he moved to California to work as an engineer on the Los Angeles  Mass Transit expansion project. Two days after the wedding  I FINALLY, after a long-long distance relationship,  moved to California to join him.
Now, almost two years after we got married, we are expecting a baby

The Story

On October 8th, 2010 my husband and I were amazed to discover we were pregnant with fraternal twins! Although the pregnancy was not planned, we were thrilled beyond belief and couldn't wait to be a family of four.

I had a very hard time believing I was pregnant. Aside from being a bit tired, I had zero symptoms. It seemed too perfect to be real. My pregnancy was absolutely textbook up until week 26 when a "bad feeling" came over me. This "bad feeling" soon turned into my worst nightmare.

My story.

Monday, February 28th,  I noticed Baby A had been moving quite a lot and began to pay more attention to my right side where baby B is located wondering why she wasn't as active.  A"bad feeling" overwhelmed me.  I pulled out my pocket doppler (it lets you listen to their heart) and heard baby A's heartbeat loud and clear, but could not seem to find Baby B's. After 3 hours of searching I thought I heard her placenta and figured maybe she was hiding. I finally went to bed and figured perhaps she would change position in the night. I woke up the next morning at 5 a.m., pulled out the doppler and again, searched for 3 hrs...I felt some movement in her area, but it's so hard to distinguish who is moving. Again, I just had a really bad feeling. I had an appointment scheduled for Wednesday morning ( the next day), however, I couldn't wait. I called the nurse and they recommended that I come in for a stress test. My Husband, Dustin,  came with me- Thank God.

They strapped on a monitor, picked up baby a, but of course, not baby b. They tried to reassure me that twins like to hide..... I didn't believe them. Thankfully they were able to get me in for an ultrasound. As soon as the tech put the wand down she looked for a second then turned the monitor around and showed us baby A and said she had a very strong heartbeat. I knew right then something was wrong..l knew baby A was OK...Why are you showing me baby A?? ...then she told us that she was so sorry, but baby B no longer had a heartbeat and went to get the doctor.

The wait was agonizing. What a cruel joke. I am 26 weeks along...this just shouldn't happen. The NT scan was PERFECT, our genetic testing came back PERFECT, their anatomy scan results were PERFECT. The Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor said things couldn't look better. So so unfair. The Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor came in,  looked for a few minutes ,and concluded that there was no obvious cause of death- No fluid around the heart, brain, etc. No hint of an umbilical accident, just an anomaly he said.

My head was spinning. We just lost one....What is the chance we will lose the other?!?! He assured us that baby A looked healthy and told us should be fine....Baby B was FINE and HEALTHY. This didn't make me any less scared. Am I going to deliver her early?!?! What is going to happen? He told us he wanted to wait until she is full term, that taking her now would be too dangerous. I wanted her out that second. The wait and see game frightened me. My thoughts: What If I have an infection they can't detect? What if she has a cord accident too? What if she has a blood clot?
How am I going to do deal knowing baby B is right under my ribs and I can still feel her butt and head? It's torture. Carrying a baby you will never take home is something that I hope no one ever has to experience.

After the appointment I just couldn't go home.We walked around Target for what seemed like hours. Dustin has been great. He never leaves my side, he even sits on the floor by me when I take a bath.. He is the only one I want around. His company sent over a large arrangement of flowers, so kind, yet  I wanted to throw them in the trash. I just want it all to go away. I keep torturing myself walking by the fridge looking at her pictures. I want to put them away. Then I get all upset and feel bad for even thinking I want to put them away. I don't want to eat, but know I have to. I know we are so lucky to still have one baby, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

I don't know how I am going to go about buying the things we still need for baby A. I don't want to jinx myself. The past two nights  I just laid in bed and held my breath making sure I felt A move. These next few months will be the hardest months of my life.

Our Lilah

Lilah had my profile, see below
I would have loved to see if she truly looked like me
Baby A has her Dad's profile. We were so excited that we each had a mini me
Don't worry, these were not his glasses....Only profile picture I could find!