Forever & Always: The Story

On October 8th, 2010 my husband and I were amazed to discover we were pregnant with fraternal twins! Although the pregnancy was not planned, we were thrilled beyond belief and couldn't wait to be a family of four.

I had a very hard time believing I was pregnant. Aside from being a bit tired, I had zero symptoms. It seemed too perfect to be real. My pregnancy was absolutely textbook up until week 26 when a "bad feeling" came over me. This "bad feeling" soon turned into my worst nightmare.

My story.

3/05/2011

Monday, February 28th, I noticed Baby A had been moving quite a lot and began to pay more attention to my right side where baby B is located wondering why she wasn't as active. A"bad feeling" overwhelmed me. I pulled out my pocket doppler (it lets you listen to their heart) and heard baby A's heartbeat loud and clear, but could not seem to find Baby B's. After 3 hours of searching I thought I heard her placenta and figured maybe she was hiding. I finally went to bed and figured perhaps she would change position in the night. I woke up the next morning at 5 a.m., pulled out the doppler and again, searched for 3 hrs...I felt some movement in her area, but it's so hard to distinguish who is moving. Again, I just had a really bad feeling. I had an appointment scheduled for Wednesday morning ( the next day), however, I couldn't wait. I called the nurse and they recommended that I come in for a stress test. My Husband, Dustin, came with me- Thank God.

They strapped on a monitor, picked up baby a, but of course, not baby b. They tried to reassure me that twins like to hide..... I didn't believe them. Thankfully they were able to get me in for an ultrasound. As soon as the tech put the wand down she looked for a second then turned the monitor around and showed us baby A and said she had a very strong heartbeat. I knew right then something was wrong..l knew baby A was OK...Why are you showing me baby A?? ...then she told us that she was so sorry, but baby B no longer had a heartbeat and went to get the doctor.

The wait was agonizing. What a cruel joke. I am 26 weeks along...this just shouldn't happen. The NT scan was PERFECT, our genetic testing came back PERFECT, their anatomy scan results were PERFECT. The Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor said things couldn't look better. So so unfair. The Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor came in, looked for a few minutes ,and concluded that there was no obvious cause of death- No fluid around the heart, brain, etc. No hint of an umbilical accident, just an anomaly he said.

My head was spinning. We just lost one....What is the chance we will lose the other?!?! He assured us that baby A looked healthy and told us should be fine....Baby B was FINE and HEALTHY. This didn't make me any less scared. Am I going to deliver her early?!?! What is going to happen? He told us he wanted to wait until she is full term, that taking her now would be too dangerous. I wanted her out that second. The wait and see game frightened me. My thoughts: What If I have an infection they can't detect? What if she has a cord accident too? What if she has a blood clot?

How am I going to do deal knowing baby B is right under my ribs and I can still feel her butt and head? It's torture. Carrying a baby you will never take home is something that I hope no one ever has to experience.

After the appointment I just couldn't go home.We walked around Target for what seemed like hours. Dustin has been great. He never leaves my side, he even sits on the floor by me when I take a bath.. He is the only one I want around. His company sent over a large arrangement of flowers, so kind, yet I wanted to throw them in the trash. I just want it all to go away. I keep torturing myself walking by the fridge looking at her pictures. I want to put them away. Then I get all upset and feel bad for even thinking I want to put them away. I don't want to eat, but know I have to. I know we are so lucky to still have one baby, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

I don't know how I am going to go about buying the things we still need for baby A. I don't want to jinx myself. The past two nights I just laid in bed and held my breath making sure I felt A move. These next few months will be the hardest months of my life.

Our Lilah