Thursday, June 9, 2011

I've been dreading this post...

I have been putting off this post for awhile. I just haven't felt up to it, but here goes.

First let me say that Austin Funeral home located in Brentwood, Tn as been absolutely amazing.  They not only took care of all the hospital paperwork, but also provided their services free of charge. Their service included a simple urn at no cost to us, however I wanted to pick-out something special. What a horrible "shopping" experience. Thankfully, the perfect urn, a bronze little box with a cherub on top,  jumped out at me on the first page. The fact that the urn was the exact same price as her crib we returned really got to me.

The day we picked her up was ten times worse than the day we lost her. The woman presented her to us in the sweet little box and I about lost it. The first time I held my baby was through an urn. It just sickens me. Audra had a fit on the way home so we had to stop in a parking lot so that I could feed her. The whole time I fed Audra I just stared back and forth from Audra to Lilah's urn. How incredibly grounding. It is often said, but until you experience something like this, you do not realize how fragile life truly is. Don't ask me why I did it, but when I got home and was alone I gave her urn a little shake. My intention? Who knows.. In retrospect I guess I needed to solidify reality. Up until this point everything about her had been a thought, now she has a physical presence in my life and I need to let her go.

Now for something to lighten the mood...

Look at those cheeks!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I have been MIA!

So I have been MIA, but for a good reason!

I knew taking care of a newborn would be time consuming, but wow! It's amazing how four little pounds (now 5+ :) ) can change your life so drastically. I am constantly catering to her every need, and when I am not, I just stare at her. I can't believe that after months of constant worry she is finally here and completely healthy. She is nothing short of a miracle.

I am so utterly happy and  incredibly heartbroken at the same time. It is impossible to accurately describe the feeling. I can't help but imagine what Lilah would have looked like. I can't help but imagine what it would have been like taking care of the both of them. I was talking to a La Leche consultant the other day ( I had been having some problems) she tried to make me feel better by saying at least it's not twins!....I wish...

The pain hits me at the most awkward times. I guess for me, putting on mascara evokes deep thoughts...I find I am having a much more difficult time now than when I was still pregnant. I find myself crying everyday and out of nowhere.  She is no longer right below my ribs, therefore, it almost feels like she was never "real". I hate it. The hospital mentioned that I should go to their group meeting for parents of still-borns.  I refuse to go. I think it would set me back. Not to mention- I think it would hurt the other members to know I have a healthy baby at home. My plan is to enjoy my baby, she is the only "medicine" I need and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
This face just makes me smile. My mom made the hat and added the cat pin. I'm not sure what she was random..haha

Eyes Of The Beholder: Stand Tall

My best friend takes gorgeous pictures!!

Eyes Of The Beholder: Stand Tall: "Hooray for Friday's! On my drive from St Mary's, PA to Olean, NY this morning, the sun was shining, the sky was blue, the smell of spring in..."