I knew taking care of a newborn would be time consuming, but wow! It's amazing how four little pounds (now 5+ :) ) can change your life so drastically. I am constantly catering to her every need, and when I am not, I just stare at her. I can't believe that after months of constant worry she is finally here and completely healthy. She is nothing short of a miracle.
I am so utterly happy and incredibly heartbroken at the same time. It is impossible to accurately describe the feeling. I can't help but imagine what Lilah would have looked like. I can't help but imagine what it would have been like taking care of the both of them. I was talking to a La Leche consultant the other day ( I had been having some problems) she tried to make me feel better by saying at least it's not twins!....I wish...
The pain hits me at the most awkward times. I guess for me, putting on mascara evokes deep thoughts...I find I am having a much more difficult time now than when I was still pregnant. I find myself crying everyday and out of nowhere. She is no longer right below my ribs, therefore, it almost feels like she was never "real". I hate it. The hospital mentioned that I should go to their group meeting for parents of still-borns. I refuse to go. I think it would set me back. Not to mention- I think it would hurt the other members to know I have a healthy baby at home. My plan is to enjoy my baby, she is the only "medicine" I need and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
|This face just makes me smile. My mom made the hat and added the cat pin. I'm not sure what she was thinking...so random..haha|