Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I have been MIA!

So I have been MIA, but for a good reason!

I knew taking care of a newborn would be time consuming, but wow! It's amazing how four little pounds (now 5+ :) ) can change your life so drastically. I am constantly catering to her every need, and when I am not, I just stare at her. I can't believe that after months of constant worry she is finally here and completely healthy. She is nothing short of a miracle.

I am so utterly happy and  incredibly heartbroken at the same time. It is impossible to accurately describe the feeling. I can't help but imagine what Lilah would have looked like. I can't help but imagine what it would have been like taking care of the both of them. I was talking to a La Leche consultant the other day ( I had been having some problems) she tried to make me feel better by saying at least it's not twins!....I wish...

The pain hits me at the most awkward times. I guess for me, putting on mascara evokes deep thoughts...I find I am having a much more difficult time now than when I was still pregnant. I find myself crying everyday and out of nowhere.  She is no longer right below my ribs, therefore, it almost feels like she was never "real". I hate it. The hospital mentioned that I should go to their group meeting for parents of still-borns.  I refuse to go. I think it would set me back. Not to mention- I think it would hurt the other members to know I have a healthy baby at home. My plan is to enjoy my baby, she is the only "medicine" I need and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
This face just makes me smile. My mom made the hat and added the cat pin. I'm not sure what she was random..haha


  1. I admire your strength and positive attitude. Your little angel is just precious! Hang in there and I hope things get easier for you with time. Just take everything day by day and try to stay focused on the positives. We miss you on the board!

  2. Hang in there sweetheart. I don't blame you for not wanting to take up the doc's suggestion. That sort of thing isn't for everyone, and that's okay. You're "letting it out" in your own way. (This blog, at the very least.)

    Audra is such a beautiful baby girl! She will definitely help keep you grounded and busy! And yes... we do miss you on the board! *hugs* Don't be a total stranger! =)

  3. I am glad you are enjoying that beautiful little girl. I know it's hard though without Lilah there. She is always going to be watching over all of you. For sure she will be her twins guardian angel. I know when this baby gets here it's going to be hard for me knowing Gavin should be here being a big brother. As far as the support groups go I went for a while before I was pregnant. I met some wonderful people but it was honestly just a place to cry your eyes out. Now that I am pregnant I don't feel comfortable going. Do what's best for you and congrats again!