Thursday, June 9, 2011

I've been dreading this post...

I have been putting off this post for awhile. I just haven't felt up to it, but here goes.

First let me say that Austin Funeral home located in Brentwood, Tn as been absolutely amazing.  They not only took care of all the hospital paperwork, but also provided their services free of charge. Their service included a simple urn at no cost to us, however I wanted to pick-out something special. What a horrible "shopping" experience. Thankfully, the perfect urn, a bronze little box with a cherub on top,  jumped out at me on the first page. The fact that the urn was the exact same price as her crib we returned really got to me.

The day we picked her up was ten times worse than the day we lost her. The woman presented her to us in the sweet little box and I about lost it. The first time I held my baby was through an urn. It just sickens me. Audra had a fit on the way home so we had to stop in a parking lot so that I could feed her. The whole time I fed Audra I just stared back and forth from Audra to Lilah's urn. How incredibly grounding. It is often said, but until you experience something like this, you do not realize how fragile life truly is. Don't ask me why I did it, but when I got home and was alone I gave her urn a little shake. My intention? Who knows.. In retrospect I guess I needed to solidify reality. Up until this point everything about her had been a thought, now she has a physical presence in my life and I need to let her go.

Now for something to lighten the mood...

Look at those cheeks!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I have been MIA!

So I have been MIA, but for a good reason!

I knew taking care of a newborn would be time consuming, but wow! It's amazing how four little pounds (now 5+ :) ) can change your life so drastically. I am constantly catering to her every need, and when I am not, I just stare at her. I can't believe that after months of constant worry she is finally here and completely healthy. She is nothing short of a miracle.

I am so utterly happy and  incredibly heartbroken at the same time. It is impossible to accurately describe the feeling. I can't help but imagine what Lilah would have looked like. I can't help but imagine what it would have been like taking care of the both of them. I was talking to a La Leche consultant the other day ( I had been having some problems) she tried to make me feel better by saying at least it's not twins!....I wish...

The pain hits me at the most awkward times. I guess for me, putting on mascara evokes deep thoughts...I find I am having a much more difficult time now than when I was still pregnant. I find myself crying everyday and out of nowhere.  She is no longer right below my ribs, therefore, it almost feels like she was never "real". I hate it. The hospital mentioned that I should go to their group meeting for parents of still-borns.  I refuse to go. I think it would set me back. Not to mention- I think it would hurt the other members to know I have a healthy baby at home. My plan is to enjoy my baby, she is the only "medicine" I need and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
This face just makes me smile. My mom made the hat and added the cat pin. I'm not sure what she was random..haha

Eyes Of The Beholder: Stand Tall

My best friend takes gorgeous pictures!!

Eyes Of The Beholder: Stand Tall: "Hooray for Friday's! On my drive from St Mary's, PA to Olean, NY this morning, the sun was shining, the sky was blue, the smell of spring in..."

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Baby A is here!!

My pregnancy woes are over! After months of worry baby A is here!!!  She was born Wednesday night at 9:58 PM She weighed in at 4lbs 14 oz! Such a surprise!

I am relieved I get to move on to a new chapter. Yet, I am saddened by the thought that Audra, Lilah and myself will never be "together" again. I feel like I have started an entirely new grieving process. Thank God I have a beautiful little baby to take the edge off. I am not looking forward to the end of the week when we will receive Lilah's ashes. That day will feel all too real.

Lilah's footprints are on the right.

Baby A's Birth story! ( I reveal her name in the post :) )

Wednesday was a very lazy day. I went grocery shopping and did a little bumping, nothing too exciting. Around 4:00 I decided I really needed to take a shower... When I got upstairs and took my clothes off I noticed my underwear was a bit wet. I got in the shower, looked down and saw more fluid was leaking. I only noticed because it had a very light-brown pinkish tinge- no mucus, blood, etc. I decided maybe I should try to squat and a little more came out. I called my sister who told me it was definitely my water. I wasn't convinced. I hadn't yet lost my mucus plug, had my bloody show, etc. I also really thought it would be a whoosh of fluid when it happened.  I got out, sat on the toilet, rocked back and forth- nothing more. She said the baby was probably just blocking the rest and that I should call Dustin and go to l&d just to make sure. I honestly thought they were going to tell me it was just a lot of watery discharge.

  After checking in they brought me to an examining room to do a quick check to rule out amniotic fluid. The midwife on call placed a plastic gun looking thing inside and at that moment a huge gush of water came spilling out onto the floor(sorry, tmi). She laughed and said we could definitely rule out anything else.... I was in shock. I had been praying for this day to come fast,  but thought there was no way she would come before the 19th. They then checked me into a room and the midwife spoke to me about trying to have a vaginal birth...the last thing I wanted to talk about in my nervous state was changing the plan. She had read I had a csection planned for the 19th.. I had to tell her over and over that baby A was breech and my doctor and I had already discussed a csection due to her position and the situation with Lilah. I had a mini breakdown ( did a lot of crying) it suddenly felt REALLY Real when I was forced to explain why I wanted a csection so that she would be kept intact.  She finally brought in the portable ultrasound to confirm she was breech ...I  told you that lady!  They finally scheduled my csection for 9 pm that night. Luckily I hadn't eaten anything big since 11,  just watermelon so I only had to wait a couple of hours. 
 I was so tired from the crying  that I swear I almost fell asleep as they gave me my spinal. Which did not hurt at all! Surprisingly, I was not scared. Something came over me and I just knew everything would go well. Baby B, Lilah, was delivered first. It pains me to say we were advised not to see or hold her. She only weighed 14 oz. However, they were able to get footprints. I am so thankful for these.  It helps to have a little piece of her even if it is just footprints. They asked us if we wanted an autopsy. We declined...our thinking was, what good would it do now?.  Baby A was delivered next ( I believe. I really have no idea what was going on. There were 5 doctors and 5 nurses in the room) they held her up for me to see, dh looked at me, I knew what he was thinking, and I said Audra. He smiled. He wanted to name her Audra so badly. It feels great that she finally has a name! Audra Jane! It feels so weird to call her this instead of "she" all the time! I am so grateful to say she is incredibly healthy. The nurses and doctors are very surprised. They keep telling us how strong she is. She got a 9 for her apgar  score!!! She will most likely be able to go home with me tomorrow :) ( she did get to go home!!!
Without further adieu... Audra Jane

An excited new dad!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Birth Announcements...Which one?

I am honestly going insane. These days are getting longer and longer..Thank God I only have 15 days left. I am trying to stay positive and have been looking at "fun" stuff. This includes birth announcements! Which would you choose?

One a random note: I can't believe how popular my name is getting. I grew up being the only Jocelyn I personally knew of up until college. Now it is popping up everywhere. Even on these birth announcements by!
 You can vote at the very bottom of the blog! Thanks, it helps a lot as I am so indecisive!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Right on Schedule

Great news! My return appointment (Friday) went surprisingly well! I do not have preeclampsia!  My Blood pressure has gone down significantly. Everything seems to be perfect all of a sudden. As weird as it sounds, I admit I am a bit disappointed. I was hoping I would get to meet the girls sooner than the 19th...oh well! I will just keep myself busy with crafts! I made this headband yesterday afternoon. I plan for her to wear it in her newborn photos.

My mom finished the owl hat ( for the newborn photos) as well! I had her use angora yarn to give it the fuzzy feathery effect :)

I think it's funny and super cute :)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I officially have a C-section date!

The hospital called today. They have me scheduled for May 19th! If I make it that long that is! Tomorrow morning I will turn in my jug o' gross and have my BP checked again. If things have not changed I may be meeting our girls soon! Yay!

On a random note- my mom is busy knitting this hat ( in light pink) for baby A's newborn photos. I hope it turns out!  I think it is too cute.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Going Toxic? Just take her already please!

Apparently, I may be "going toxic." Whatever that means....I always forget to ask important questions. I swear my head always goes blank in the office.

Since Lilah passed, March 1st, I began visiting my doctor's office every Wednesday for an ultrasound, fibrinogen check ( to make sure her tissue has not come into contact with my blood stream) as well as a general check. Last appointment, April 13th, I graduated and no longer needed to come every week, but every two weeks. Well that was short lived!

Upon taking my blood pressure the nurse exclaimed "OH NO! That is not good! I will be right back"....She came back with a manual pump and got a reading of 120...Still not good, but I assume A LOT better than the previous reading...She then had me pee in the cup to check for protein. It came back negative....That was that.

My OB came in soon afterwards, he did not seem to be concerned. He went right ahead and did a quick ultrasound to make sure baby A  was still breech; of course she was. After I took a peek, I asked him what he thought about my BP reading. He said he wasn't too worried due to the lack of protein. I then made sure he took a look at my legs and feet. Legs and feet I no longer recognize as my own, but those of an extremely obese person... (see the previous post). He felt my legs, pondered a bit, and said he would be right back. He wanted to talk to my MFM doctor down the hall.  I hate to admit it, but at this, I was secretly hoping I would "unfortunately" :p have to deliver today. I know every mother should want their baby to bake as long as possible, but if you were in my situation I assure you, you would feel the same. After conversing with the MFM doctor, my OB came back to tell me that based on their collective medical opinion, he feels there is a chance that if I am not already, I will eventually become toxic and deliver before the planned 37 weeks. I guess extreme water retention coupled with high BP and a lack of protein is a sign of toxicity in my particular case.....GREAT!  To this I replied "I was ready to deliver last month!"  He laughed and handed me this lovely lab sheet...
Not just a fibrinogen check this time! I feel like a science experiment.

  Hopefully the extra tests will determine if I am already toxic. I also got a parting gift!
I need to collect my urine for 24 hours as well. I have to store it in the refrigerator. Dustin will love that!

I will go back Friday to see if there is any change in my BP and learn the results of my toxicity tests. Basically, the moral of the story is that if there is no change, this baby will be coming very soon! If it means I need to be toxic in order to bypass a couple weeks then so be it! I have zero patience left! IMO..they should just take her now so they don't have to waste their time with all these extra tests :p

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Goodbye Ankles!

Said goodbye to my ankles this week...wholly cow!
I took a break while the rest of my family explored The Hermitage
My entire immediate family came to visit us in TN for Easter! We wanted to show them a good time, so we took them to the Carnton Plantation, The Hermitage Plantation ( we are all history geeks), The Confederate Cemetery,  a walk around Downtown Nashville as well as zip lining...(.I was so sad I couldn't do this one!)
My niece Noelle being silly in front of the Carnton Plantation

My feet after the fun-filled gross